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 Post subject: Who’s who in the Infantry Zoo?
PostPosted: Mon Jan 27, 2014 4:38 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jul 08, 2004 8:10 pm
Posts: 18001
Location: Loading the shot
Served in: 8/9RAR & 6RAR
Who’s who in the Infantry Zoo?

The Boss- He’ll be there until he can slip away or he’ll do the opposite and stay until the crowd gets rowdy and then leave. That normally takes about an hour after the first drinks are poured.

The Sarge- He’ll outdrink most but no one sees where he goes, the bullshitter reckons it’s the bowls club, the Poser reckons he’ll RV with the sarge later on and they’ll “go cruising for chicks mate”. He joined in the early 80’s and reckons most of the Nintendo generation are wankers. Possesses a good sense of humour and doesn’t take shit.

The married scum- He’ll drink his two beers, light of course, with money he borrowed off his single mate- normally the poser and then he’ll piss off with a lift from the bull shitter. He keeps looking at his watch like he is trying to will the hands to spin around faster.

The Poser- He’s on the mobile phone, sitting in the centre of everyone’s conversation. He just had a big windfall on the stock market he says 12000 dollars richer he says, then the phone rings. He covers this up by saying it’s a new phone from Japan and it can transmit and receive several calls at once then he shows everyone his 700 dollar sneakers. He has the best webbing money can buy but had to get the Support Company Guru round on the weekend to show him how to put it together. He then paid him a carton of piss not to tell the boys so he didn’t get embarrassed.

The Bullshitter- He’s rooted every chick from here to Cloncurry and beat up two blokes at the pub last weekend. Every beer, he drinks, the story gets better and pretty soon, he’s beat the shit out of a whole company with nothing but a loaf of bread and a pool ball. He has to leave soon he says to the boys, he’s got a hot date, she posed in Penthouse three years back. He tells the hierarchy that he has a chiropractor appointment this afternoon and has to piss off early, he says he wants his back to be tip top for the battalion footy game next week. The boss thinks this is weird considering the bullshitter is the team manager. The married scum normally wears earplugs on the lift home.

The ex choco- He wears his aviator glasses and drinks his crownie, no one tells him Maverick was in the air force. Things weren’t as easy as this down at 25/49 he muses. The quiet lid hangs onto his every word like he is some sort of hero. Yep back in Tandem Thrust 2001, I caught six American POW’s single handily. He also did the three-day sniper course and fired six rounds out of the rifle, he argues with the support company guru about aiming off.

Support Company Guru- He is mortar qualified, sniper and recon qualified, sig qualified and speaks three languages. He is a jet and wonders what he is doing in a rifle company maybe because he punched an officer. Rumour has it he is the next company sig. He hears this off the firth spreader and threatens to put in his discharge. By the time the boss hears it, the support company guru has had enough, is going AWOL next pay Thursday and selling all his Gucci gear to the poser.

The Course Grabber- He is CFA, Driver Qualified, Sig Qualified and basic Swahili qualified. The scary thing- he has only been in the battalion seven months. Why has he got all these courses? Your guess is as good as the pissed off whinger’s.

Dodgy Brothers- Lost your NAD cable- no problem; we can get you one for five bucks. Your bush hat went missing? That’s no dramas, six pack. What do you mean it was in my locker? I just kept it there after I found it! Normally hang out in-groups of two or three uses the roid muncher as protection. Apparently Part of a much larger organisation involving trusted Q-ies and other “dodge” essential staff.

Firth Spreader- Bad for morale, in Timor he said that allowances were getting cut to 50 bucks and a big mac a day. Out field he tells you, you are all walking the
27 km back and the good news is your carrying the three mag 58’s with you. The truck that went out with you is apparently heading to Cairns, as 51 FNQR owns her. He has the uncanny ability of making it seem like the rumour didn’t come from him and has the added skill of being able to substantiate his claims. I.e. we’re not cleaning the weapons today; Charlie Company did it yesterday. Yeah mate, they did a half-assed job and the boss is pissed so we’re cleaning them again, the OC is going to inspect them, it’s going to be a long night.

The pissed off whinger- Everything is fucked. He won 50 bucks on a scratchy and he’s pissed off because it won’t even cover the red light camera fine, he’s sure the poser got for him when he lent him his brand new SS ute. In Timor it was raining and he told everyone how shit it was, everyone already knew, they were standing there with him getting soaked to the bone. The allowances are never high enough, the beer is always warm, and the hierarchy should have given the company two days off instead of the one. Why the hell does that lid get all the courses? Who’s he screwing? The comedian tries to cheer him up but to no avail.

The quiet bloke/fighter- He is the nicest, quietest guy in the world until you get a few brews into him then he is George Foreman trapped in a butter menthols body. He comes out blueing, apparently you said something that offended him 3 weeks ago, and it’s got you buggered what. He’s got a swing as obvious as John Wayne and can take a more of a hit then a V dub beetle. He wins some and he loses some, it’s not uncommon for him to get locked up on the weekend. You could write a book about his adventures on the piss.

The rough round the edges bloke- He has been in the army for four or five years, he is a digger and has knocked back sub 1 at least once. He is 22 but looks like he is 42, he’s had a hard life, and likes to shave his hair right off so people can see the beer bottle scars. He loves a blue and a drink but has a missus now and is quietened down a bit.

The quiet lid- He’s a young bloke probably from a town like Cunnamulla or Narrabri. He likes the quiet bloke until he punches him up when he transfers into Mr Hyde. He thinks the Chocko is a bit of a dickhead but he’ll be alright to hang around until he susses everyone out.

The Roid Muncher- He weighed fifty two kilos wringing wet before leave, two months later, he’s 96 kilos of muscles and can bench press the fighter. People look to him to back them during fights at the nightclubs but he doesn’t want to rip his shirt so he just throws his opponent’s aside. He might throw in the occasional head butt.

The Gobbie lid- He gobs off like a champ, especially at the clerk and the q-i.e. who have done ten times more field then him and have actually been on operations. He even gobs off at the boss. He plays computer games like Delta Force and thinks this makes him an expert on M-O-E. The poser likes him and might even take him on as an apprentice. He calls the quiet lid a lid and ridicules him, even though he hopped off the bus only two people ahead when they got to the battalion. The quiet bloke wants to go Mr Hyde on his ass and the rough round the edges bloke might have a go, both are wary that the roid muncher has taken a shining to the gobby lid.

The comedian- He’s a piss funny bloke, he has a great photo album of the platoon’s adventures on the piss. He loves a drink and a laugh; he has a pretty high percentage rate for the joke to laugh ratio but it’s ok if he has a miss. The poser will laugh at his jokes even if they’re not funny.

The experienced corporal- He has his own group with the Support Company guru, the senior digger, the comedian, the piss wreck, his 2IC and whoever flavour of the month is. He always has a heads up on what’s going on, doesn’t pay any attention to the firth spreader, he doesn’t mind the quiet lid, can’t stand the gob. He likes the quiet bloke/fighter and normally backs him on Monday when he has to face the sarge on drunk and disorderly civvy police charges.

Section 2IC- The comedian says 2IC stands for 2 inch cock. The 2 IC is a busy man, he runs around like a headless chock trying to organise shit. The senior digger says, “see that’s why I don’t want rank, I fucken told ya!” The 2 IC is really beginning to hate his job on so many new levels.

The eyes- No one knows who this person is but the eyes is responsible for information gathering and sending it back to higher. This could be who is pissed at whom, piss trips that are going on or any future shenanigans the dodgy brothers are planning. Everyone thinks it is the sig or the Firth Spreader, the experienced corporal reckons it is the course grabber.

The senior digger- He enlisted in 94 and has been in the battalion the whole time, he is quite happy to stay with his mates in the rifle company and has no ambition to go anywhere. He loves it in the same cage he has been in for the last five years with his four trunks of “Jack stores” that he has. The experienced corporal went through Kapooka with him so he is on easy street, no work parties for him. Don’t sit in his chair, he’ll smack ya.

The piss wreck- normally more than one member of the platoon, he’ll drink the pub dry, any night of the week, he’ll spew in PT as he rounds the ring round for the third time but he’ll keep going, his shirt covered in porridge like substance, his skin seeping of Bourbon. He is surprisingly fit because he never eats anything. He doesn’t go out to pick up, he goes out to drink, and the poser reckons he cramps his style.

The defactos- The bull shitter swears he saw them hold hands, they do everything together, one of them went away on course for a month, the other nearly went into shock. They live out with the ex chocko who is moving out because he is sick of them annoying him. The married scum thinks that they are gay.

The old bloke- He goes alright, likes to pass on his “worldly” knowledge, he might be 38 but before he joined the army, he never left Melbourne and was store manager at Geelong KFC. He calls everyone ridiculous nicknames and wears his uniform in daggy, pseudo echo variations that shock the poser. The boss doesn’t mind him; the experienced corporal tolerates him. He talks to the sarge about “the good old days,” turns out they played footy against each other in 1982 and the sarge opened a can of whoop ass on his bony, withered ass. Give it six more months and it will be a Corp transfer to transport, he heard the grass is greener on the other side there.

The dumb bastard- His nickname is DADS- Dumb as Dog Shit, the poor fella tries but he just can’t gasp it. He forgets to take the mag off in the unload, he puts down his section commander as his next of kin and claims free travel by air to his place on base. ????? The sarge has given up, the experienced corporal shakes his head, and the senior digger thinks with a bit more help he might make it. He is the butt of the comedians’ jokes. The comedian thinks he is a splitting image of ralph off the Simpson’s, “What’s a battle?”

Master Blaster- This twosome gruesome rely on each other to survive, the smaller one is the brain and is ridiculed for being smart. He quotes Hawking, Hemmingway and Shakespeare, he really should have gone to uni. He just read “The Fatherland” by Robert Harris and tries to tell the Poser all about it, the poser tells him to piss off. The Blaster is the big oaf who is with him who can’t even tie his shoe laces, a cross between the dumb bastard and the roid muncher, the two co-exist peacefully by making up for the others deficiencies.

Mister Jack- Mister Jack looks after number 1, he doesn’t care about anyone else, and there is no team in the letter I. He is not well liked but only being nice to people he needs. His hang out group includes the boss and the sarge (who can’t stand him) and dodgy brothers who appreciate his business. Mister Jack once jumped in a blue for the defactos but only after they were kicking the guy to a pulp on the ground.
He comes from Bunbury.

Lady’s man- He always pulls chicks, he doesn’t care about standards, and they’re all special. His girlfriend in Perth found out about him, some guy named Jack told her, apparently she’s hooked up with him, when he had holidays, and he works at Townsville in the mines or something. She wants to know if he knows him, “fucked if I know, he obviously knows me” is the response. Lady's man would love to find out who he is. He hangs with the Poser on the piss; the poser usually gets the larger of the two ladies.

Mr Happy Go lucky- A bird once shit on his bush hat, “lucky I was wearing a hat, hey fellas?” he asks.
The pissed off whinger hates him, Mr Happy go lucky come back from work and his dog ran away, he bought another dog. Two days later his other dog came back, “Well would you look at that mate? Now I have two dogs, I was going to buy another one but the missus wouldn’t let me. I had an excuse,” he laughs. “See mate, everything works out in the end!” The pissed off whinger looks away in disgust.


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 Post subject: Re: Who’s who in the Infantry Zoo?
PostPosted: Mon Jan 27, 2014 5:14 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 30, 2012 10:26 pm
Posts: 387
Location: Anywhere the Sun Shines.
Served in: RAN 1980 - 2012 Currently RANR
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Classic . . . . . . If I don't know all these blokes I knows their Bruvvers that are in the Navy, they're on every ship.


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 Post subject: Re: Who’s who in the Infantry Zoo?
PostPosted: Mon Jan 27, 2014 5:54 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jul 08, 2004 8:10 pm
Posts: 18001
Location: Loading the shot
Served in: 8/9RAR & 6RAR
If I didn't know better, I'd swear I worked with the author.


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 Post subject: Re: Who’s who in the Infantry Zoo?
PostPosted: Mon Jan 27, 2014 7:48 pm 
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Joined: Sun Mar 18, 2007 11:41 am
Posts: 1649
Location: N.S.W.
Served in: Three ringed circus
Nailed it Dig [:D


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 Post subject: Re: Who’s who in the Infantry Zoo?
PostPosted: Mon Jan 27, 2014 8:58 pm 
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Joined: Thu Sep 09, 2010 8:14 pm
Posts: 275
Served in: Army
Great read!

Not just limited to Infantry either... I've worked with most of these guys!


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 Post subject: Re: Who’s who in the Infantry Zoo?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 28, 2014 9:10 am 
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Joined: Thu Jun 18, 2009 4:49 pm
Posts: 5236
Location: Back in Bris-vegas, lost in the bright lights of the big smoke.
Served in: Former ARES Infantry & Dashing Lighthorseman.
Oh so true!
Even funnier, when you realise that you've played several of those roles yourself [:D


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 Post subject: Re: Who’s who in the Infantry Zoo?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 28, 2014 5:50 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 04, 2009 2:41 pm
Posts: 2327
Served in: Timor 03 and 06, Southern Ocean/Antarctica, Afghanistan, et al,
Classic but where is the suck up dobber who's the first to tell the boss everything?


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 Post subject: Re: Who’s who in the Infantry Zoo?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 28, 2014 5:58 pm 
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Joined: Tue Nov 23, 2010 1:00 am
Posts: 1316
Served in: Ex Grunt (RAR)
That would be the eyes JSA....I happen to agree with the Secco that he is also the course grabber :finga:


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 Post subject: Re: Who’s who in the Infantry Zoo?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 28, 2014 7:37 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 04, 2009 2:41 pm
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Served in: Timor 03 and 06, Southern Ocean/Antarctica, Afghanistan, et al,
olks wrote:
That would be the eyes JSA....I happen to agree with the Secco that he is also the course grabber :finga:


Ah, obviously I have no eyes.


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 Post subject: Re: Who’s who in the Infantry Zoo?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 28, 2014 8:33 pm 
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Joined: Tue Nov 23, 2010 1:00 am
Posts: 1316
Served in: Ex Grunt (RAR)
I'd always try and help out a mate wherever I could but after going through the exact scenario you just described Terrapin 3-4 times I had no choice but to take a hard line approach to the bush smokers and the bush quitters.

''Gis a durrie will yer olks?''
''Where are yours?''
''I got none''
''Too bad so sad...f*** off!''


Last edited by olks on Wed Jan 29, 2014 9:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

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